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Standing over you checking the machine keeping you alive for the millionth time I'm glad you can finally sleep and I don't have to wear a mask of optimism even if you can't see my face. You are so sick and I know it's selfish and you're the one on the brink of death but I just don't want you to get better I need you to get better. I imagine seeing you in a few months outside with your family in a Walmart and walking up to you and exclaiming how great you look even though you won't recognize me and you tell me you feel great and I'm fighting back tears of joy. I can't wait for that to happen.


Venting some stress

At one point tonight I stopped to take stock, wondering why I felt so on edge. I have spent hours bouncing between two rooms. One a young man (57) very close to death by covid, struggling with him to keep him from being intubated and put on ventilator - a death sentence. I had just talked to his son, fighting back my own tears and trying to sound optimistic but not lie about his father being so close to death. One wrong move with the machines giving him oxygen could be his end. Next door was a woman I have treated for a long time. She knows me and trusts me and every time she sees me she calls out my name and when I mask and gown up and go in she tells me she is going to die and I console her but she is really sick in a way I haven't seen from her yet and now she has cancer and she's in so much pain please help me she cries. I try to console her but I have to go get some equipment and on the way I get a text from a friend asking me if she had ever told me the story of how a few years ago she had gotten in a fight with her husband and it turned physical and he ended up locking her in a room and she was sure he was going to kill her. I have no idea how to respond. The nurses call me in a panic the guy pulled his mask off I go running up sure this is it but I get the mask on him and he recovers, apologizing because he had a nightmare he didn't mean to do it. I tell him what a coincidence I had nightmares all day and it's true - everything from family tragedies to zombies they were relentless. Then my wife texts me telling me she found our 15 yo son passed out in his room with a bottle of vodka. We didn't even know he drank. She's scared he's going to vomit in his sleep and so am I. I tell her to keep his head up and keep me posted. My beeper goes off.


You know you're old when a plate of cookies starts looking like a bottle of whiskey - a temporary lie of emotional catharsis that starts with 'just one' and ends in a gluttonous orgy of guilt, shame, self loathing, and days of physical illness.


After last night's shift all I can say is hey covid: Merry Fuck You and Happy Fuck Off.


If you think that the whole pronoun thing is nitpicking or as Musk tweeted, "all these pronouns are an esthetic nightmare", then think about this:
If I tie your hands behind your back and repeatedly punch you in the face with my right hand, then it won't take long before the slightest twitch of my right arm, a movement anyone else wouldn't even notice, would cause you to cower.
So if a group of people who have been psychologically and physically abused for decades if not centuries by the cultures they were born into thinks that pronouns is important then I am not one to judge whether that is true or important or relevant, and it's a pretty small request to make them feel more welcome.


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This entry was edited (3 months ago)


Because 2020 isn't f*cked up enough...

"This is crucial in order to maintain ethical boundaries. After about 100 days after the fetus had been growing, the international team unanimously agreed to remove the fetus through a C-section. Bringing a "new human-gene-influenced monkey into this world would step over the ethical line," said Huttner.
"To let them come to be born, in my opinion, would have been irresponsible as a first step," Huttner mentioned, "because you don't know what kind of behavioral change you'll get."

Actually most of us have seen Planet of the Apes so yeah, we do know. And are we seriously to believe someone isn't going to be so ethical next time??


Please don't let Parler be federated - Please don't let Parler be federated - Please don't let Parler be federated - Please don't let Parler be federated -
* checks wikipedia *


Talking with the PA about doing a procedure:
Me: "I just don't like causing people pain unless they ask me to"
/Checks out the room to see who looks up from their work/
It's always good to know who the freaks in the room are.


The world doesn't need any more sarcasm. It's the blight of our age. - Trevor Phillips


from The Peripheral, William Gibson

Because people who couldn’t imagine themselves capable of evil were at a major disadvantage in dealing with people who didn’t need to imagine, because they already were. She’d said it was always a mistake, to believe those people were different, special, infected with something that was inhuman, subhuman, fundamentally other. Which had reminded her of what her mother had said about Corbell Picket. That evil wasn’t glamorous, but just the result of ordinary half-assed badness, high school badness, given enough room, however that might happen, to become its bigger self. Bigger, with more horrible results, but never more than the cumulative weight of ordinary human baseness. And this was true, Ainsley had said, of the very worst monsters, among whom she herself had so long moved.


A friendly squirrel took my pic on the trail today.


Strategic Napping is absolutely my new favorite term. It's an essential skill for any night shifter, especially one working 60-90 hrs/week.

The New York Times: The Army Rolls Out a New Weapon: Strategic Napping (By Dave Philipps)


I miss watching my kid's shows


Peep was one of my favorites. And Little Bear! The music in both was very relaxing. And Quack is just hilarious.



Hey sorry about the PM if you even got it I'm pretty new to all this. I got it working so far by changing 'master' to 'stable'. I also changed so the docker_compose commands would follow the norm: ie up would be verbose. I caught some permissions and syntax errors that way and it may be helpful to others to do that. Thank you so much for all you have done! Hopefully my next message will be from my pleroma instance!
This entry was edited (7 months ago)



Check the fucking logs. I don't know why I spend a ridiculous amount of time just plugging in different configurations trying to make something work until my brain is fogged and my mood destroyed only to finally just check the log and see the exact problem which points to the exact solution.


Why some people that seem smart are stupid

There are people who test well because they are smart and people who test well because they are good at taking orders. They both get the same degrees and the same jobs but the intelligent ones are the ones who adapt what they have learned while the others only see what they were taught to see.


Hello World

Jumping server first into the fediverse - I've started this friendica server to introduce my friends and family to the what the end of Facebook and Twitter monopolies will look like.